Why I don’t post.

There is a part of me that wants to wax poetic and/or pontificate deep and meaningful truths in this, my online journal. I imagine people coming from the four corners of the world, commenting on my wisdom, or even better referencing my work in a trackback. My inner megalomaniac imagines being on everyone’s blogroll and maybe even required reading for … for … hmmm, now what class could I be required reading for? Perhaps some theology class. But then comes the part of the post where I start doubting the impact and clarity of the previous three sentences, so i reread and edit them. If they are complete crap, I delete it all and start from scratch.

What was I writing about now? (reread) Oh yes, and the longer the post gets the more I have to reread, just to make sure that I am staying on target and insuring the there is a flow to the text. The more I type the less sure I become of the validity and logical strength of what I am saying and the more I worry about all the missing clarifying statements that would make my point clearer and sway the detractors. Then I think to myself, “Was that last sentence too Pauline?” You know, some of of the Apostle Paul’s epistles have sentences that go on and on. So I reread and determine that I am unable to come up with a better way to communicate my point without a major rewrite, and now I am feeling the crunch of time. I have spent way too much time on this post already, so things will just have to stand as is.

But wait, isn’t the purpose off this post to convey something of value to the imagined millions of readers? Don’t I owe the person reading this post something of consequence, something legible, something consise? After all, they are taking valuable time to read this post and I should respect that. Truth is I just do not want to look like a fool.

And spelling, I say big words all the time and don’t even think about it. But spelling is not speaking so spell checks abound. At this point I think to myself that people should not use words in conversation that they cannot spell. But this thought is problematic as I do not want to give up the word vociferous (spell checked) or picturesque (spell checked again) and for some reason their spelling just does not stick with me.

Am I still on point? (reread, edit)

As I look at the time I have wasted, a half-hour on three stupid paragraphs, I begin to wish, yet again, that I could type faster, because I don’t have time for this. Maybe I should save a draft and come back tot the text later. That isn’t going to work, I have posts in the draft folder that have been in there for 6 months.

The draft folder is a leppers’ island of malformed posts, it is where these poor creatures go to to die. Perhaps that is too harsh, I mean these posts may never see the light of day but they still have each other. They are there to comfort one another and they do not judge one another. You will never see one of these draft posts snicker at the misspellings, bad grammar choices and incompleteness of another because it knows it is just as flawed a creation.

No, the choice is either to slave away at the current post or delete it entirely. Deleting the post is a sure way of making sure that the last half-hour has been a total waste of time but even that may be perferrable to the humiliation of a poorly written post, that is being judged by all and by proxy, allowing people to judge me. Oh, the horror!

Man, narcissism sucks!